Just far too many lesbians...

Sitting outside, across the street from union square, while taking my last sip of a margarita, I hear...

"The park is full of lesbians today.
The park is full of lesbians today.
The. Park. Is. Full. Of. Lesbians. Today...It must be warm outside."

And, you know what's so bizarre about this? Is that he was simply observing. He wasn't angry about it, or particularly excited either. I mean, I didn't exactly notice an overabundance of lezzies, but he did, and he needed to express that. So, you know what sir, I applaud you. I applaud you for taking the time and the courage to say what you felt. Thank you.

Hmmm...maybe there were a few more lesbians in the park than I had noticed.

wtf.

Again, this literally happened yesterday.

Running down the stairs at the 181 stop, a loud boisterous voice yells towards me,

"I'm gonna fuck you up!"

Obviously shocked and scared, I turn around timidly to realize it was just the local homeless lady yelling at her imaginary enemy. Whew. I continue running, because I hear the train-a-comin', but of course the crazy lady continues.

"You keep running like that, you keep running like that...I'm gonna FUCK YOU UP!"

Shit, lady, wtf did I do to you?? I didn't steal your grocery cart full of bottles. DAMN!

So, of course, I just miss the train, because of that asshole. Once I get on the next one, I sit down to find some man across the way from me grumbling.
Side note: As much as I love having stories to tell, I could really use a day of just being ignored.

He looks at me, grumbles something under his breath about me reading a book, then hocks a loogie at me. Seriously, this loogie had some aerodynamic accuracy. It was about an inch away from my boot.

I don't know if I had sat on his imaginary friend and he was pissed, or he felt judged because I can read and he cant, but whatever the case may be...he needed to show me his anger. He pretty much continued to spit in my direction for the entire ride, but I would not be swayed. I refuse to be ran off by some crazy man with too much saliva. Once I got off the train, I shot him the foulest look I could ever give, and then decided to make a brisk exit. I wouldn't want him following me anywhere...


Ugh. Hideous.

R. Kelly is on the train?...Oh, wait...nevermind.

I believe I was on the A train, when I began to hear a mellifluous voice coming from the back of the train.

Let me rephrase that.

I believe I was on the A train, when I began to hear the most grating raspy sound any vocal chord could ever produce, coming from the back of the train. I took out my ear bud, put Ke$ha on pause, to try and figure out what song this man was singing. As I started to recognize the melody, I realized this man was BELTING out R. Kelly's classic 90's hit, "I Believe I Can Fly," from the rousing and motivational drama, "Space Jam." As he reached the climax of the song (you know the part when the gospel choir comes in) another man joined him as his back up. After a few bars, a small group of teenagers decided to step in as well. One by one, including myself, the entire car became his choir, as he took the lead vocals in stride. He even attempted R. Kelly's famous riffs and emulated his well-intentioned, yet, vague conducting skills. I, seriously, wished I had had a video camera for this situation, because it was awe-inspiring.

The train pulled up to the 59th Columbus circle stop, just as he finished his performance. It was absolutely perfect timing. But, did people give him any money? Nope.

Please revisit this classic music video, because there's so much inspiration. R. Kelly is the most inspiratory, inspiring, inspirational man, in zepra print pants, I have ever seen.

Actions speak louder than words...

Sitting on the 3 train in the middle of the day, a straggly older gentleman walks onto the train. Instead of sitting next to the few people near the end of the train, he chooses to walk towards the other end near me. Of course. He makes himself very comfortable on the bench across from me, and even takes the initiative to lie down. He glances at me, sticks his hands down his pants, and starts stroking.

Yes, stroking.

This was unlike any masturbation I've ever seen, not that I've seen that many. But, he was so angrily touching himself, I became concerned. The man was really tugging away at that thang. I mean, did his penis say something mean to him? Did he want to show his penis who's boss? Or, was it just a sweet romantic gesture to get my attention? I really wanted to ask, but I guess that would be inappropriate, although, masturbating on the train is probably equally as inappropriate. Eh, I'll never know...



He looked just like this:

***I totally googled "angry masturbation."

Oh Penn Station...

Sitting down in the creepy Penn Station lobby, waiting for the train to Jersey, a man says to me,

"I got in a fight with Count Chocula, and he won."

Ohhhh. okay.




He lost to this guy??

What's your craziest, most retarded, story?

I can smell you...

This one goes way back. Well, when I was just a sweet baby sophomore in college.

So, my friend, who was also a sophomore, but not nearly as sweet, invited me to her house in ol' brooklyn town. We were waiting for the train, possibly the L, not really sure, since I was just a sweet baby sophomore.

Anywho, we were sitting on those old wooden benches, when I heard a man yell, from across the platform, "HEY GIRL! HEY GIRL!" It took me a second to realize he was even speaking to me. When I say he was across the platform, I mean he was on the uptown track, alllll the way over. I remember, so vividly, wearing my A-line blue tweed skirt (I really like that skirt) with my legs, a little too wide open, when this gentleman caller hollered, "HEY GIRL! CLOSE YO LEGS, I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE!"

.....

After that comment, he laughed, and laughed, and laughed a little bit more. I, honestly, wanted to jump across that platform and thrown him into any moving train, but, unfortunately, I just sat there and took the insult.

And, that folks, was the first and only time anyone, I mean, ANYONE, has ever complained about my punani.


He definitely didn't look like this, but I kinda wish he did. It'd be even more surprising.

Or like this...

I'm your worst nightmare....

I can't believe I've forgotten this story until now. I, honestly, think I managed to force this to the back of my brain, so I would never, again, be haunted by the thought of this man.

So, one day, like many days during the month, I was headed towards ol' stank ass Port Authority (a lot of action seems to happen there for me) to head home to New Jersey for the day. Everything was actually running smoothly; I wasn't late, I didn't forget anything, it was almost perfection. Keyword almost.

I headed towards the kiosk, like always, to purchase my $20 round trip. As I was punching in my information, I must have had a confused look on my face, because a man came by me and asked if I needed help. Now, this man appeared to have possibly slept in port authority for...about a year now. His aroma wasn't the most pleasant, I mean, I would've preferred Burberry or, shit, even Adidas. Nonetheless, he came over. I smiled, thanked him for the offer, but, respectfully declined. That is when all hell broke loose.

He insisted that I was completely confused by the machine and needed him to buy my ticket."Well you look like you needed help!," said the man. "No, actually, I don't." I replied.

That's when he really got pissed, and of course I got a bit nervous. Who wouldn't? As he kept lurking towards me, insisting that I needed him, I started to get heated, and told him, "Will you please back away from me? I don't even know who you are!" That's when he replied, "You don't need to know me, because, I'm your worst nightmare."

HUH?

By then, my ticket and receipt had printed, and I sprinted out of there as fast as I could.
And that folks, was the second time I was accosted in Port Authority.



Well, he didn't look like this, but if I were a hustler, this would be my worst nightmare:

This actually happened yesterday...

Walking down the street, on my way home, I hear a pleasant voice yell at me,

"YOU AIN'T RICH!!"


Thank you scary lady, I am aware of my financial position.


She kinda looked like this...but not nearly as happy.