Oh Penn Station...

Sitting down in the creepy Penn Station lobby, waiting for the train to Jersey, a man says to me,

"I got in a fight with Count Chocula, and he won."

Ohhhh. okay.




He lost to this guy??

What's your craziest, most retarded, story?

I can smell you...

This one goes way back. Well, when I was just a sweet baby sophomore in college.

So, my friend, who was also a sophomore, but not nearly as sweet, invited me to her house in ol' brooklyn town. We were waiting for the train, possibly the L, not really sure, since I was just a sweet baby sophomore.

Anywho, we were sitting on those old wooden benches, when I heard a man yell, from across the platform, "HEY GIRL! HEY GIRL!" It took me a second to realize he was even speaking to me. When I say he was across the platform, I mean he was on the uptown track, alllll the way over. I remember, so vividly, wearing my A-line blue tweed skirt (I really like that skirt) with my legs, a little too wide open, when this gentleman caller hollered, "HEY GIRL! CLOSE YO LEGS, I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE!"

.....

After that comment, he laughed, and laughed, and laughed a little bit more. I, honestly, wanted to jump across that platform and thrown him into any moving train, but, unfortunately, I just sat there and took the insult.

And, that folks, was the first and only time anyone, I mean, ANYONE, has ever complained about my punani.


He definitely didn't look like this, but I kinda wish he did. It'd be even more surprising.

Or like this...

I'm your worst nightmare....

I can't believe I've forgotten this story until now. I, honestly, think I managed to force this to the back of my brain, so I would never, again, be haunted by the thought of this man.

So, one day, like many days during the month, I was headed towards ol' stank ass Port Authority (a lot of action seems to happen there for me) to head home to New Jersey for the day. Everything was actually running smoothly; I wasn't late, I didn't forget anything, it was almost perfection. Keyword almost.

I headed towards the kiosk, like always, to purchase my $20 round trip. As I was punching in my information, I must have had a confused look on my face, because a man came by me and asked if I needed help. Now, this man appeared to have possibly slept in port authority for...about a year now. His aroma wasn't the most pleasant, I mean, I would've preferred Burberry or, shit, even Adidas. Nonetheless, he came over. I smiled, thanked him for the offer, but, respectfully declined. That is when all hell broke loose.

He insisted that I was completely confused by the machine and needed him to buy my ticket."Well you look like you needed help!," said the man. "No, actually, I don't." I replied.

That's when he really got pissed, and of course I got a bit nervous. Who wouldn't? As he kept lurking towards me, insisting that I needed him, I started to get heated, and told him, "Will you please back away from me? I don't even know who you are!" That's when he replied, "You don't need to know me, because, I'm your worst nightmare."

HUH?

By then, my ticket and receipt had printed, and I sprinted out of there as fast as I could.
And that folks, was the second time I was accosted in Port Authority.



Well, he didn't look like this, but if I were a hustler, this would be my worst nightmare:

This actually happened yesterday...

Walking down the street, on my way home, I hear a pleasant voice yell at me,

"YOU AIN'T RICH!!"


Thank you scary lady, I am aware of my financial position.


She kinda looked like this...but not nearly as happy.